The Dinner Table Strategy: What Great Parents Do Differently

This article is adapted from Ted's Smart Thinking podcast episode 367: Questions from Parents.

As a young teacher, I became obsessed with a question that wouldn't let me go: What makes some kids just... different?

You know the ones I'm talking about. They walk into any room with quiet confidence. They can hang out with the gamers, the athletes, the horse enthusiasts, the kids from broken homes, and the kids from picture-perfect families. They work incredibly hard at the things they care about, not because their parents bribe them, but because they genuinely want to.

They're comfortable striking up conversations with adults. They bounce back from setbacks. And most importantly, they have zero sense of entitlement.

Before my wife and I had children, I did something that might sound a little strange. I started inviting myself over for dinner at these families' homes. I wanted to see what was happening behind closed doors that created these remarkable young people.

What I discovered changed everything I thought I knew about parenting.

The Single Greatest In-Service of a Person's Life

My friend Craig Weber says the dinner table is the single greatest in-service of a person's life. After visiting dozens of homes over my career, I can tell you he's absolutely right.

These families, regardless of their structure, whether they had two parents, blended families, single parents, or grandparents raising kids, they all did one thing consistently: they gathered at the dinner table. Not just the immediate family, but extended family and friends too.

And here's what made it powerful. The dinner table wasn't just about food. It was where life played out. Where people got picked on. Where arguments happened. Where nothing went as planned. Just like life.

These kids were learning confidence, resilience, and how to navigate any social situation because they practiced it every single night at a diverse, sometimes chaotic, always authentic dinner table.

They were building what I now call durability. The ability to withstand whatever life throws at them and keep moving forward.

The Questions That Change Everything

But here's the thing. These families weren't just sitting around eating together. They were asking the right questions.

Not once did I hear a parent ask, "How was your day?" or "What did you do at school today?" Those questions get you nowhere. Kids know exactly how to answer to get you to leave them alone. They've been manipulating us their entire lives, and they're really good at it.

Instead, these parents asked questions like: "Share something you learned today and how it can help us all."

Watch what happens with that question. It's not yes or no. It requires thought. And because they'd been doing it forever, nobody was embarrassed. One kid would share about measuring volume in a cone, and their sibling would jump in with velocity calculations, and the little one would be absorbing all of it.

The whole family was growing together.

In our home, we asked three questions every night:

Share one thing you learned today. Share one way you helped someone. Share something funny that happened.

Those three questions reflected our family's core values. We wanted our kids to be learners, to be servant-hearted, and to enjoy life. So we measured those things every single day.

That last question, about something funny, gave us incredible teachable moments. Our kids would share something they thought was hilarious, and we'd have the opportunity to help them reframe what is and isn't appropriate. To model empathy. To ask them to consider how they'd feel if that was their mom getting hit with an egg at school.

The Three Core Responsibilities

Here's what I learned from all those dinner tables and years of working with families: The core job of a parent comes down to three things, in this exact order.

Protect them. Love them. Hold them accountable.

Those three things in equal combination daily will create young people who are resilient and tenacious. They'll know their parents are always there for them. They'll know they are loved. And they'll know they will be held accountable.

Let me give you a practical example of how this works.

The Uncle Kirk Strategy

When our kids became teenagers, we sat them down and walked through scenarios they would inevitably face. Uncomfortable social situations involving drinking, smoking, poor choices.

We told them: "If you get into a situation where someone puts social pressure on you to do something you don't want to do, all you have to do is text us. Your code word is Uncle Kirk."

The moment we got that text, we responded immediately: "Yes, Uncle Kirk stopped over. Where are you? We will come and get you."

Kids need reasons to get out of sticky situations, and parents are the best thing to blame.

But here's the key. We also told them what would happen if they had already made a poor choice. We forecasted the consequences using what I call the meteorologist strategy.

"When we pick you up, the first thing I'm going to do is protect you. Are you okay? What did you take? How much? Not in an angry way, but in a curious, loving, caring way. Because job number two is to love you. And then, yes, there will be consequences. But as long as you're alive and safe and I can love you again, those consequences will not be as bad as you've dreamed up in your own brain."

This strategy worked every single time. Because they knew what to expect. They knew we'd protect them first. And they knew they could call us.

Control What You Can Control

One of the questions parents asked me recently was about co-parenting and navigating situations where children favor one home over another.

Here's the truth: You're being manipulated. And that's okay. It's not mean or nasty. It's human nature.

Every single one of us, every single day, manipulates our environment to get what we need and want. Kids are exceptionally good at this. They'll test both households to see where the boundaries are softer.

The answer? Control the controllables. You can only manage what happens within your own boundaries. Establish clear expectations. And most importantly, play the long game.

Don't give in during the moment of pressure just to win a temporary victory. Because that temporary victory teaches them the exact recipe for manipulating you forever.

When your eighth grader says, "All my friends are sleeping over at that house," and you feel the pressure mounting, remember your values. If you said no sleepovers until a certain age, stick to it. Yes, they'll push back. Yes, it will be uncomfortable.

But what you expect and what you reinforce is what you will get more of. What you ignore will only be amplified.

The Power of Choice and Voice

As kids age, they want one thing above all else: control.

And here's where parents get into trouble. We want control too. So we end up in constant conflict.

The solution? Increase choice and voice without giving up your authority as the parent.

Here's what it sounds like in practice:

"Friends, we're going out for cheeseburgers tonight. Do you want to go to McDonald's or Culver's?"

Not "Do you want cheeseburgers?" or "Where do you want to go?" You're giving them autonomy within your framework. They have choice, but you're still in charge.

"We're watching a movie tonight. Which one, Nemo or Cars?"

When kids have choice and voice, they feel a sense of control. They develop autonomy. And you avoid the power struggles that exhaust everyone.

It's in the absence of control that we have conflict. And most parenting conflict happens because we say "this or nothing," and they masterfully call our bluff.

How Do You Know You're Doing a Good Job?

The question every parent asks: Am I doing this right?

Here's the truth. You never really know. And the faster you accept that there's no rubric or perfect way to parent, the better off you'll be.

But here are the signs you're creating the right conditions:

Your children take risks. They put themselves out there. They try big things without worrying about failure.

You're limiting their access to technology and spending real time with them.

You're putting boundaries in place, even when it's unpopular. In our house, nothing happened on Sunday nights. No sports tournaments. No work. No activities. Period. Sunday dinner was sacred.

Short term? Sometimes they were frustrated. Long term? When you have dinner together 52 Sundays a year for their entire childhood, they don't remember the two times they were mad. They remember feeling loved and protected at that table.

The Unspoken Expectation

Here's something that gets missed in modern parenting. We feel guilty about pointing out the things we provide. We don't want our kids to feel bad. We don't want to seem like we're bragging.

But in the absence of teaching our children to appreciate what they have, we grow entitled kids who constantly compare themselves to what they see on social media.

The solution? Live with a sense of wonderment. Every time something good happens, stop and celebrate it.

"Kids, come here. Look at this. I can't believe we get to do this. We are so blessed."

Not "When I was your age, my parents never let me..." Just genuine, in-the-moment gratitude for what you have and what you get to do together.

Do this consistently, and your kids will understand what it means to be grateful.

Building Buffaloes

The hardest part about being a parent? If you do your job well, they won't need you anymore.

That's the goal. To raise young people who are confident enough to leave home and make their own way. Who know how to navigate difficult situations. Who work hard at things they care about. Who can swim in any social group.

But here's the beautiful part. Even when they don't need you anymore, they'll always come back for three things.

They'll come back for protection, to make sure they're doing the right things in their lives.

They'll always want to be loved.

And they'll always want to be held accountable to the standards they're setting for themselves.

That's the privilege of parenting. We get to protect, love, and hold accountable every single day. And when we do that consistently, we create what I call buffaloes. Young people who charge into the storms they're facing with confidence, tenacity, and perseverance.

So tonight, gather around your dinner table. Ask better questions. Model the behavior you want to see. Have the hard conversations. Give them choice and voice within your boundaries. And above all, remember that the short-term choices you're making today are compounding into the long-term people your children will become.

Make those choices count.