This article is adapted from Ted's podcast episode 362: The Gift of Well Being! Using the SCARF Model.

There's a lot of talk about well-being and mental fitness in the workplace and life, and too many times it goes undefined. We vary in what workplace well-being means, and that creates frustration and potentially conflict because we're all talking about well-being, but nobody knows what it means.

Which is why today I want to do some smart thinking around well-being and the mindsets to support ourselves and others. Life moves forward each day, and we need to learn skills and create common languages to advocate for ourselves while supporting others.

A Lobby Revelation

A few years ago, I was waiting in a business lobby, pretending to read Time magazine while the team I was meeting with ran late. I could see them through the glass conference room, still wrapped up in their previous meeting.

Then a woman rushed up to the administrative assistant's desk and said frantically, "I don't know how much more of this I can take."

The administrative assistant looked over at me. I buried myself deeper into that article about electric cars.

Then I heard something I'd never heard before.

"Which trigger is this pulling for you?" the assistant asked.

"Listen, I'm just pissed," the woman replied.

"Yeah, you're pissed, but where is it coming from?"

I sat there like I was watching Mr. Miyagi and Daniel LaRusso exchanging wisdom. The upset executive was being coached through her emotions by the administrative assistant. They had a conversation using the same language, truly engaging with each other as they looked for the root of her frustration. It was like a well-being coaching session, simple and spontaneous.

I watched through the glass meeting room as the two interacted. All I wanted was for my meeting to end so I could figure out what was happening. How did frustration move so quickly to awareness? However, I had no idea what type of magic was taking place. I could see the energy re-entering the frustrated person's body. Her whole demeanor changed.

After about 15 minutes, the two hugged, smiled, and moved back into their day.

The Scarf Discovery

When my meeting finally ended, I lingered until everyone else left. I actually bent down and re-tied my shoes, pretending I needed to do that. Then I sprung up and walked to the assistant.

"I couldn't help but notice that interaction," I said. "How did you do that?"

She had this genuine warmth about her. "I was using the scarf to figure out what was going on."

I looked confused. I didn't see a scarf. What was she talking about?

"It's our way of determining what is actually setting us off," she explained. "There are five different ways that we either feel in control or not in control."

The phone rang, she held up a finger, and a commotion prevented her from returning to our conversation. So I went home and researched the livid daylights out of SCARF.

Understanding the SCARF Model

The SCARF model comes from David Rock, a neuroscientist who created a framework explaining how we are motivated by social needs. The acronym stands for Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, and Fairness. These five social domains can either activate a threat response or a reward response in our brains.

By understanding these five domains, we can better influence and collaborate with others by minimizing threats and maximizing rewards. This is what's going to keep us mentally healthier and support our own well-being.

Every culture you work in, live in, or play in needs to understand two basic things for us to be ourselves: What is our status in any situation? And what's the structure? In other words, what's my role here and what are the rules?

The Five Domains

Status refers to an individual's relative importance to others and their sense of self-worth within a group. People are very concerned about their status, especially understanding where they stand with you in any given situation. Status is important in classrooms, in boardrooms, and in hallways.

Certainty deals with the ability to predict the future and understand what to expect. Ambiguity triggers a threat response while clarity leads to a reward response. The more people understand the rules of the game, what's expected of them, the better off they'll be. Certainty is a significant driver for people's success and well-being.

Autonomy encompasses the sense of control over one's own decisions and actions. Feeling micromanaged triggers a threat response while having autonomy is motivating. When people feel like they lost control of what they thought they had control over, that creates a triggered threat response.

Relatedness concerns the feeling of safety and belonging within a group. Social isolation or exclusion can be perceived as a real threat. If you feel like you're being pushed out or people are making decisions without your input, that triggers negative feelings. Strong connections and a sense of community are very rewarding.

Fairness relates to the perception of fair treatment and equitable distribution of resources and opportunities. Perceived unfairness triggers a strong threat response. The opportunity here is to have conversations, make sure there's clarity, and people know exactly what the rules of the game are.

How to Apply SCARF

When you engage the SCARF model, here's what you need to do:

Pause and notice the threat signal. Before responding, take 5 to 10 seconds to ask yourself which SCARF domain might be threatened right now. This shift alone reduces your reactive behavior.

Name the domain and normalize the reaction. Gently reframe the situation. Say things like, "It makes sense this feels frustrating, there's been a lot of uncertainty" or "Anyone would feel off if their autonomy felt limited." This validates people's responses and reduces emotional intensity.

Shift to curiosity. Ask questions like "What part of your expertise feels overlooked?" for status issues, or "What information would help you feel clearer?" for certainty concerns. Then listen without interruption.

Offer a regulating gesture. Respond with an action that lifts the threatened area. For status, affirm contribution. For certainty, provide timelines. For autonomy, provide choices. For relatedness, create connection. For fairness, increase transparency. This restores psychological safety.

Co-create a path forward. Use "with not to" language. Let's do this together, with each other, never to them. Ask, "How can we make this process feel more fair, clear, inclusive?" This creates shared ownership.

Learn Your Domains

Finally, I need you to learn your domains. When you understand these five and where they fall for you, and which ones are most likely to trigger you, you will increase your own awareness and support your own well-being.

Go online and Google SCARF assessments. Take one, then have others take it. If you know your CliftonStrengths, overlay them. You'll have a language that gives permissions, predictability, and allows everyone to help people navigate when they're triggered.

I'm a big CliftonStrengths person, and when I overlaid mine, I discovered that status and certainty were my bigger triggers. I need to understand my role in every room I'm in, or I tend to withdraw. I need to know with certainty what's going on and what the rules are. This helped me see that I just needed the courage to ask, "What's my job in here?"

The Bottom Line

Working with people should not be complicated, but complications come from our inability to navigate these different needs. SCARF allows us to see what's happening in a new way, not just to others but within ourselves.

Why is this making me nervous? Why am I frustrated? When you hear yourself saying, "This shouldn't be that big of a deal," you need to ask yourself which of the domains is being impacted. What needs are being missed for me in this situation?

Understanding the SCARF model allows us to better understand ourselves. Like Socrates pointed out, we need to better grip our current reality. And as a result, we can get a better grip on what others will need in any given situation.

Well-being begins with you. Then activating and advocating ideas for and with others, especially if you have a clear understanding of what needs to occur for others to find their best self. The SCARF model gives you an ability to collaboratively diagnose what's going on so you can support or reverse the situation.

No matter what, the more we can recognize how to help ourselves, the more we can recognize when we need to run next to or behind someone else to support their journey into whatever storms they are facing.

Ready to dive deeper into the SCARF model? Check out this website for the SCARF assessment" and discover which domains drive your well-being. Then share it with your team and create that common language we all need to support each other through the storms.