This article is adapted from Ted's Smart Thinking podcast episode 371: Coach Yourself and the Others!..
I have been all over the place lately. Police officers. Teachers. Manufacturers. Attorneys. Engineers. Administrators. A room full of HR professionals. All in the last couple of weeks. And in every single one of those rooms, the same question kept finding me. How do I better help others and myself with all of the pressures, emotions, and objectives we are all navigating?
Every. Single. Room.
Here's the deal. Whether you are leading students in a classroom, colleagues in an office, or your own family at home, this challenge belongs to all of us. Supporting others is not always easy. And it starts with you being very aware of a few things.
Before you can truly support another person, you need to ask yourself a few honest questions. What does my presence do for this person? Can they be authentic and vulnerable with me? Do I have what they need in this moment? Am I in the right mindset to actively listen, or am I lost in a distraction fog?
Because here is what happens too often. We find ourselves quietly ranking people's problems. We think: this is a two on a scale of ten. I don't really need to deal with this right now. And we need to recognize that in ourselves and reframe.
The most important person in the world is whoever is standing right in front of you.
No problem is greater or lighter. It is an opportunity and a problem for the one facing it, not you.
As leaders, as people, we are constantly searching for the same two things: affirmation and accountability.
Affirmation is a powerful motivator when you are up against doubt. We all want to know we are heading in the right direction. That we are going to be okay.
And then there is accountability. There is no greater motivator to act than knowing you have someone in your corner rooting for you, and that you have to go back to them and explain what you decided to do because you were coached to it, up for it, or through it.
I learned this from a mentor named Al.
When I was a young middle school principal in the early 2000s, I had a mentor named Al. He was a common sense guy. A trained kindergarten teacher who became a principal. He led with heart and absolutely no nonsense. His staff revered him. He was emotional when he cared for you and completely emotionless when accountability was required. He executed quickly, made adjustments in motion, failed and learned, and kept finding success.
I could not get enough time around him. Every time I walked into his office, he would close the door, sit me down, and ask one question.
"What's the most important thing we need to discuss?"
Not how is the family. Not how was the drive over. Just: what matters most right now? And we got to it. I wanted to be like Al. I told him so. And he said, plain as day: "You need to be Ted. Steal ideas and practices from others while focusing on improving yourself. Otherwise no one will ever know the real you."
He had a million one-liners. One time I spent 20 minutes explaining a situation about staff members wearing clothing that was not appropriate for work. Twenty minutes. Every detail. Every angle.
He waited. Then he said: "Just walk up to them and say, we don't dress like that here. Then walk away. No need to argue. No need to overexplain, like you just did to me."
That quip hit me like a brick. I used the line that afternoon. An hour later, the person came back and apologized. I called Al to tell him it worked. He said, "Good." And hung up.
Great coaching.
A few months later, I learned an even bigger lesson. I was facing a significant policy violation with a staff member known for being volatile and argumentative. Almost every time I thought about the upcoming conversation, I lost sleep. I couldn't eat. I felt it in my body before my brain could even catch up. I was renting all of my mental real estate to that one person. And it worked me over.
I went to Al and explained what was happening. I was spinning. Freaking out. And he just gently said: "I'll be there with you."
I pushed back. Told him I could handle it. And he just repeated himself: "I will be there with you."
That night I was staring at the ceiling fan, running through every possible way this conversation could go sideways. I left extra early the next morning to get myself ready. And when I got to the office, there was Al. Already there. He sat me down. We reviewed what needed to happen. He set the accountability. We went over language and expectations. He affirmed me. And right before the staff member walked in, he asked one question that completely shifted my mindset:
"What's the best outcome for this conversation?"
Not the worst. The best. He knew exactly where my head was. And that one question moved me. When the staff member walked in and saw Al sitting there, they stiffened. So did I, but in the best possible way. I had confidence. No stomachache. I understood what needed to happen and I had gone over every scenario with my mentor, my coach, my friend.
Right before the meeting started, Al told me he wasn't going to say a word and he expected me to follow through. He had coached me to confidence. And then he did something I did not expect. He gently put his hand on my shoulder, stood up, and walked out. It took me a second to realize what had just happened. And then I turned and had one of the most difficult conversations of my life to that point. And I was all right.
When it was over, the staff member opened the door to leave, turned back, and said: "While I do not like this at all, I do appreciate how you handled that. At least now I know where I stand."
I took a deep breath. And then I noticed Al sitting in the hallway with the students, just hanging out, being Al. He walked back into my office with a huge grin on his face. I closed the door and said: "What the hell, Al?"
He started laughing, grabbed his belly, slapped his knee, and asked: "Well, are you okay?"
Yeah. I was okay.
I am an IPEC coach and a CliftonStrengths coach. I have been coached by a lot of people, formally and informally, and here is what I keep coming back to.
Start with yourself. Before you go running around trying to help other people get better, work on yourself. Listen to yourself. Call out what you are feeling. Question the narratives you have created in your own mind. Check your energy and assess your mindset. Are you bringing optimism or pessimism into the room?
We are all our own greatest works of art. Only we truly understand where our imperfections live and where our strengths shine. So before we engage others, we must first engage ourselves.
Understand your energy. IPEC's Core Energy Coaching is built on one idea: energy attracts energy. Catabolic energy is draining, stressful, destructive. Anabolic energy is constructive, fueling, creative. The question is not just what you are doing. It is who you are being when you do it.
Use the GROW Model. When coaching others, this is gold. Goal: define what success looks like. Reality: assess what is actually going on right now. Options: brainstorm the possibilities. Way forward: establish the commitment. That final step is where affirmation and accountability live together. When someone makes a commitment, it becomes a question of integrity if they choose not to follow through. That is when real change happens.
Know your strengths. CliftonStrengths is my favorite tool because it forces you to look through a lens of positivity. Name it: understand your strength. Claim it: look back at where it helped you succeed. Aim it: apply it directly to the challenge in front of you now. We are not trying to fix weaknesses. We are stacking what someone already does well and helping them bridge their gaps by teaming with others who complement them.
Calibrate your effort. Hard work is unsustainable. The goal is optimal effort, what researchers call flow state. Help yourself and others find where 80% effort yields 100% of the results. Then build a stop-doing list. Each month, identify one task to delegate, one to automate, and one to delete entirely. And if someone says they have no one to delegate to, remember: you can delegate to another day, another time, another system.
Practice active empathy. This is intentionally looking to understand what is happening around you, constantly viewing every situation through the lens of: what would that be like? I love to people watch. On airplanes, in airports, at the gas station. I see people struggling and I ask myself what I can do. Then I do it. See it. Act on it. That is active empathy. And you can practice it anywhere, starting today.
Great coaches never coach a sport they have never played. Meaning: never try to coach another person if you have never been coached yourself. You have to go through the experience of being vulnerable, of taking the risk of telling the truth, of having someone believe in you before you fully believed in yourself.
And here is one thing great coaches never do. When someone says, "just tell me what to do," a great coach does not engage that. We cannot hand someone a formula for success. They have to make their own choices. But we can fill that bucket with tactics, strategies, and tools. We can listen, guide, affirm, and hold each other accountable.
The best feeling in the world is watching someone else succeed and then standing on the sidelines watching them celebrate something they found entirely on their own. That is the goal. Not the credit. Not the I told you so. Just the quiet, deep satisfaction of knowing you helped someone find what was already inside them.
This week, I want you to sit with a few questions.
What do you need to do differently today to better coach yourself? What strategies could you apply to support the people around you? How can you help others grow? And bonus: what are you going to read, learn, or do tomorrow?
Somewhere out there, someone is renting their mental real estate to a problem they have not yet faced. They are lying awake staring at a ceiling fan. They need someone to show up early, sit down across from them, close the door, and ask:
"What's the most important thing we need to discuss?"
You can be that person. No baloney. No small talk. Just: what matters most right now?
Be somebody's Al.